Whew. At last. I am totally free from fantasy. It was hard of letting him go at first, but I have to. But he left me no choice. He was an inspiration for me though, but I have to transfer that immunity or so whatever to another person who is more willing to be part of my life. Sh*t naman ako eh. Hay. I can’t blame him, because I was the one who loved him. Yay! The worst part there is I loved him more than what I could give. Kaya I’m so pissed off today.

Go Ly! You can do it. Ha-ha! I wish I could.

1. I have no boyfriend since birth.
2. I look strict and so strong but on the inside, I still have so many weaknesses.
3. I am so fond in looking at the mirror everytime I wake up. Just checking up if I’m still alive. Ha-ha!
4. I love tattoos and ear piercings so soon, I wanna have those too!
5. I am veryyy observant.
6. I easily get to sleep when I’m comfortable with my position. Whether I’m sleepy or not.
7. I don’t want to get married if that happens. I want to be single forever! Ha-ha!
8. I know how to play the piano. Before, I used to hate piano lessons because it’s so boring but it turns out that that was the only instrument I’m comfortable with. Guitar? Don’t ask. (I tried it once but my fingers were so numb because I was keep on gripping the strings hard).
9. I don’t like Lady Gaga.
10. I’d rather stay at home than go to malls. I hate crowded places.
11. I’m addicted to movies. Whatever is the latest.
12. When I was 6, I got my first injury from running and tripped by a lame old man. Until now, the scar is still in my lower jaw.
13. Actually, I know how to draw. Tamad lang talaga ako. Ha-ha!
14. I don’t judge people immediately. Because I don’t care.
15. I haven’t seen my dad since 4 years ago.
16. I love pets. I have two living cats. Copper and Milky.
17. I love reading humorous books and not fictional. Waste of time.
18. I hate horror movies because it’s so lame ’cause I keep on getting afraid everytime I watch one.
19. I have written a lot of stories but not even one was published.
20. When I’m angry, I would always feel guilty even though it wasn’t my fault. (I am super good kasi e.)
21. I don’t like people who don’t have manners and etiquette. I grew up with a my family who’s particualr in those kind of things. But, I know a lot of people who don’t have those, but neither, I don’t reject them. (See, I’m such a miss-goody-good).
22. I love guys who could challenge me with my brain-twisting and weird mind. I love humorous guys and who are responsible enough to look after me. Ha-ha! (Baby!)
23. I love politics and I love talking about it. (Weird ba?)
24. I love to sleep when I’m with someone. You could feel the heat e. Body’s heat ok? Plus, the tanday! Ha-ha!
25. I haven’t gone to church for 4 years already. I don’t like the hypocriticism that is existing in my religion nowadays.

Whew. But I guess, that was just 1/4th of me. 25 numbers is not enough to describe someone like me. Especially me. Ha-ha! (Joke!).

26th. I am sweet. More than you could imagine. Ha-ha!

I’m always using (Ha-ha!). I just got used to laugh everytime I get kilig. He-he!

Gotta sleep!

Smile. Laugh. Call me crazy, ’cause I am right now.

I am sooo sick. Maybe I just need rest. Leslie told me that I was not in my usual shoes anymore. Good thing he noticed. So let’s get FAAAATTTT!!!! Ha-ha!

I’m staring in the monitor screen thinking of what I could write. All I know is that I have to write ’cause it’s Alyssa’s priority. But what could I think? Maguloooo talaga ang utak ko ngayon. I am in the mood to write but I don’t know how to put the ideas and connect them all  from the brain to wordpress. Ah! Feel’s like a sh*t afterall. So here it goes.  I’m missing someone whom I don’t know. Siguro I know but I’m not gonna tell! Ha-ha! I’m confused again with this guy ’cause he’s making things so complicated. I am now stable yet he’s disturbing me again just like before. I don’t want to create a fight or being fought over. I am contented with where I am. I repeat! I am contented with where I am now. I have a lot of things to think over. So I’m into my routine again. SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. Hay! I miss the old me! The Alyssa who does not go to malls and forever hate malls. The Alyssa who’s down-to-earth (i am, but i’m not sure yet). And etc. But the common thing that the old Alyssa has and the new one is that they’re both happy. Sobrang happy. No words could describe of her situation right now.

I hope she’s back. I miss her so badly.

one of the questions in the survey that i answered was what i was afraid of? actually i don’t know at that time. it’s scary to try to think what was i fearing of. now, i know. i’m afraid of being asked to quit something i like. i can’t quit MCDC. it’s part of my life right now. i started it by joining the crew so i have to finish it in a clean way and not surrendering of anything. whatever it takes and whatever the risk is. so whoever you are, deal with it.

bah. a problem is just like a shit. for sometime, it’ll end by itself too. LOL. so whatever problem that you’re into right now, it’s either it’s going to be solved in whatever way or it’ll just fade and vanish away just like political issues. so don’t ever surrend up. ’cause every person in this world has problems too. i don’t even think that my life is having too much problems because there are people who are in a worst situation than mine. plus the world is having too much problems by itself too. poverty, global meltdown, economic crisis, climate change and others. so don’t worry. you’re not alone! Ha-ha!

be optimistic. i think it’s the only solution that you have whenever you have problems. i remembered a korean novela (Smile Again). i admired darlene, the main character ’cause she’s headstrong and optimistic besides having problems in her softball team, her dad’s condition and the pangunuglit of her ex-boyfriend. i admire those kind of people actually. they never give up whatever it takes. haay.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *     *

i actually missed loving. i missed the whole idea and the whole crazy-ness. people i ask me why i don’t take relationships at this age, i answer them back, having a relationship is not easy. i’m not like this friend of mine who just asks the mobile number of a girl who happens to pass by and by tomorrow, they’re already in a relationship. Ha-ha! malayo ako sa ganyan. i always love more than i could give. and trust and respect is the main foundation of love and i need a lot of witnessing before i’m ready to jump in. it’s better not to think those kind of things because what is the rush? siguro, i’m hard-to-get but after you get it, you’ll realize i’m priceless.  yes, i am. most of my friends who are victims of love says that they don’t wanna get into a relationship anymore because they are afraid of getting hurt. lame. love is everything. hurt. happiness. doubt. and etc. and i guess, when you’re in love, you’re ready to take the risk.

so simply, i love too. but writing this is not a manifestation that i am. ’cause i’ve always been and would always be. 

dang! i’m using so many words that are repeating. Ha-ha! i’m not problematic. i’m just happy at the same time, i’m amazed with this video in youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YvcQzCzopaw Ha-ha! it’s so cool. so dazzle you’re eyes, ’cause i’m super sleepy.

                          *zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..* (tulog time with mcdc)

CLASMEYYYTTTTSSSS, My CREW, Ethan and Ate , Daddddyyy, xaxa, mij, tzi, moi, koy,LIIT!

Ahhh..

1. 7:05. Time to wake up from the most uncomfortable sleep I got. I don’t know what happened that night. First, it was humid. Parang slimy yung feeling ko. It was hot and I was afraid not to cover my body with a blanket kasi may nakapasok raw na ipis. Sh*t. I really want to sleep so bad ’cause I wasn’t feeling well and I was hungry (dahil rin sa katamaran, ayokong bumangon at kumain). But, God was good and poured out the rain from the heavens and added spice and put wind. In short terms, bumabagyo.

2. 8:30. At last, breakfast na. Uh, wala. Kain lang.

3. 9:20. Dito ko namalayan na ma-lalate pala ako. Ha-ha! I was so lame when it comes to meals. My brain is so blank and I just want my brain to rest for a while because I know that my brain was exhausted from yesterDAYS.

4. 10:10. Sh*t. Umulan ulit.

5. 11:05. I was enjoying reading this book by Bob Ong at siguro, na-bored ako sa position ko, next thing happened, I was in a dream ulit. But when I woke up onwards I realized it was too lame to remember! Ha-ha! Sh*t, tamad talaga.

6. 12:55. For the second time around, I woke up from a sleep. And then prepared esp things that I am gonna use during the symposium. CUL (Chat u later )

7. 1:05. Bigla akong bumitaw ng white lie sa mom ko. Ask nya kasi if asan na ako. Eto, natataranta! Umalis rin ako.

8. 2:00. LUNCH TIME! Ha-ha! Bwisit.

9. 2:30. I was done with my second-to-the-last task. CD BURNING. Hee!

10. 3:00. Waiting in the line. I’m going to have my haircut! Ha-ha! After months of stopping my temptation to cut my hair, FINALLY! Yun nga lang, mahal. Kuripot!

11. 4:03. I arrived in school and found out that there were only three of us out of 37 students. Early bird kasi e. Ayan tuloy.

12. 5:05. Whee! Medyo marami na kami!

13. 6:0?. Nakalimutan ko. Basta. Time to feel some extra! Ha-ha! Liit knows why.

14. 7:00. Lights. Cameras. Oops! Stand-by lang.

15. TIME TO GO HOME.

Actually, I am used to say words like sh*t. It’s an expression and I’d feel relieved if I say that.

I am so fed up of not remembering small things. I tried to pressure my brain to remember but the result, I get sweaty and I still wouldn’t remember anything. I am 16. But it’s like amnesia is attacking me in this age. Feels like a sh*t sometimes. But everything’s ok though. *smiling

I met so many people who suites my taste too. But the fear is there that keeps on blocking the exciting and balmy feeling. Now, nanainiwala na talaga ako sa karma. Everything that I’ve done is gone. Just like a dust. Vanish. Ang sarap batukan yung ulo ko, I’ve not done anything na matino. Nakakabwisit talaga kasi until now, I keep on reminscing every single detail that I would like to bura sa mind ko.  Para akong sh*t talaga. Tanga. Pero okay na rin yun. Kahit papaano, may natutunan ako na, once an opportunity knocks on your door, open ang grab it ’cause it wouldn’t maybe come back ever again. Siguro, doon na ako kumukuha ng realization sa mga nagawa ko at dumaan sa akin. Sayang nga lang. Sarap umiyak. That’s love. You’ll never know what’s gonna happen. It’s between getting torn or getting happy each day. Sometimes, mapaglaro ang panahon. It makes you happy and afterwards, you get sad times ten. Bwiset noh? But it’s always part of the game and you really have to play it well to win. Sorrowful ako ngayon. Hindi alam yung feeling.

It’s over. Everything is over. I’m over with the insanity of being in love but you’ll never get the “relationship” that you want and you end up like a sh*t sitting alone. Nasty. Fuck*n’ nasty. It’s a slow process but thanks for everything, for slapping me that there’s another world out there and not just my own. Slow process of forgetting you. But, the process would always end.

Tu amor.

*   *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

The days that I spent with the MCDC’s were sick. They’re the nastiest people on earth, I tell you. We have lots of bonding moments and we also have lots of fights. Is it just me or somebody felt that too, that I was noticing that the crew doesn’t think wisely (i’m not sure if that’s the right word). Everybody wants on top. Everybody wants to raise the red flag to show others that “naghahamon ako, mas magaling ako sayo”, isn’t that dreadful to think of? Boasting to others what God has given to you is not right. The right word should be share others what God has given to you. It’s actually generalized. We have lots of fight than laughs. When the show gets nearer, some tend to fall of the rule of smiling. Actually, the whole crew is a sh*t sometimes. Some kasi ay makikitid ang utak. They do not open themselves and get out from the shell and show and tell the world that there’s another me. Not only good in dancing but others too. I’m not saying that my crew sucks, that would be never. I wouldn’t give up them ’cause they’re also not giving up on me. Kapit-kamay talaga. United as one.

*   *   *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *   *   *

People are tactless. And it’s everybody’s nature. Sometimes, I’m tired of hearing people who compare this another group to us. We are so different. The two crews are not the same. We dance primarily contemporary while they dance mainly hiphop. The transition is so broken. We cannot be one ’cause there is really no common from both of us.

*   *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

We go home by 6:30 from the class to the rehearsals (and that’s everyday).

We once went home from a fight. And something happened bad to my co-members. I was with Chel so I wasn’t able to catch up with the group while walking to Dv Soria. There was a fraternity war. Pero, damay lang kami. ’cause we found out that they didn’t also know us. Ang gulo.

*   *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

I thought everything was over and putting things back. Everyay for me is becoming worse. I have to adjust with this threat to me and to them. Plus, I still have my academics na hahabulin ko pa. Nakakaantok.

But I am thankful that God saved out asses that day. Hehehe.

And I’m happy to have these problems, they’re actually spicing up my life which is the best part of the story. We just have to be optimistic and think things ahead. Anticipate the cause and effect relationship.

Ayt!

*   *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *    *

“Yung araw na kinakatakutan namin ay siguro ngayong araw na to. Hindi dahil sa mga gumugulo sa amin pero dumating na yung taong hinihintay namin at expected talaga na dadating. ” – laman ng utak ni alyssa ngayon

I am so tired and too fed up today of bunch of losers who have nothing to do in their life. I have so many things to attend to, supposedly but cancelled because of some bullsh*t kids and assuming kids who are grown-ups who really don’t have any learning from home and school (i don’t suppose they go to school). Haha! LOSERS! C’mon, maraming pinoproblema ang mamamayan ngayon, pati na rin ang gobyerno. Tapos, heto kayo, dadagdag pra feeling sikat. Shocks! When would you ever get that you’re not. May time pa namang magchange, pero ang problema if may pumapasok pa jan sa utak nyo ng konting isip ng katinuan. Kung meron, magpasalamat kayo sa Diyos. I wouldn’t be fu*ked up here and so pissed off if not because of these sh*t creatures who feel they’re on top of the world. Siguro sa barangay. Losers talaga. Bunch of pathetic people. When would they ever mature?And understand that the world is round and they wouldn’t always be on top.

Kakainis.

Surprisingly, my day turned out to be one of the best. First, I understood math and finally, I know how to use the sci calc! Second, kraxamitzmo shifted to Culinary Arts rather than staying with Electronics (without li ) Third, I got to attend the practice of the Zypher Mix even though I was already left behind. But, I immediately coped up naman eh. Fourth, I had my first handstand! Which for years, I’ve never done since I had my broken limb when I was in Grade 3. I was nervous since I was really afraid to be upsided-down. But when I did it, it turned to be fun.

Being with the MC Dance Crew is/was the best thing that would happen/happened to me. Meeting these kinds of people was such an honor plus working with them. Both leaders from both sides are good. They could really hold a grip on us when we’re pasaway. Plus they are very good dancers too. With these people I knew what is friendship and how you keep and expand it. With one of the most important people in my life, our instructor is also an honor to be his student. Learning what is dance all about and what is life, were the things I got from him. It’s not easy to be in the MC Dance Crew. We worked for three months to be flexible, to have a better attitude, and learn routines for dances like No Air and Bleeding Love.

Dun ko lang nalaman at napaisip na pagnasa stage kana, hindi mo na iisipin ko may papalakpak sa inyo. Basta, ang alam mo ay nageentertain ka ng tao. Hindi nagmamatter kung marami ang papalakpak sa iyo.